i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
