Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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