The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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