What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
