well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
