im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
