walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
