If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Someone shattered a urinal.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
