I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize