when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
