Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
