I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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