Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
