I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
