Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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