ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
