Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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