if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
