You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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