I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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