i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I touched a dick in church today
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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