Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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