I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
