you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
