Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
