A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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