is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
