Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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