I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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