I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
