girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
