I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
