i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
