i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize