he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
