Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
