I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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