hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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