I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
This toilet bowl is my home.
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