Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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