Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can't turn off my feet"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
