You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize