I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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