it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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