the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
