Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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