im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
