I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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