I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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