Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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