Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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