when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize