i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
