I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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