Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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