youre lurking in front of me
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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