she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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