To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
