cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
