nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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