is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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