someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
