i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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