He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
